[Galaxy] 29 July, Personal log, RAdm Garroway

[Robert]

[ Endeavor, Captain's Personal Quarters ]

"I got a message from Lilly today," Garroway said absently as the 
computer recorded his personal log.  "It was a excerpt from a book about 
private security contractors in the early twenty-first century.  It said 
the reasoning behind a contractor retaining a 'civilian' status was that 
they were only employed in a bodyguard or defense capacity, and only 
engaged the enemy long enough to escape or regain safe footing.  And 
that the difference between a security contractor and a military 
contractor, or 'mercenary', is that security contractors never sought 
out the enemy specifically /for/ combat.  Security and defense only, 
that was the line between civilian and military.

"She sent it to me because it relates very much to Starfleet now.  For 
the longest time we've been more like the Merchant Marines, only with 
science in mind."  He laughed, "the Science Marines, I guess."  The 
humor faded quickly.  "But we've always had to have security and defense 
in mind.  We have two divisions: Exploratory and Sol Defense. 
Exploratory had the heaviest starships of the time and continually had 
to be upgraded with more guns and armor, and other than a few tweaks to 
the engines I can't name anything else we upgraded.  Certainly not 
anything science related, but it was always with /self defense/ in mind. 
  And Sol Defense Division was just that: security for the homeworld. 
Even at Eridiani we basically acted as a security and defense force 
between the Vulcans and Andorians.  And at Mercy we played bodyguard to 
the Zee-Gee's.  The only aggressive operation on the books was the 
Delphic Expanse, but that /included/ the military.  There was always a 
line, however much we danced around it.  But we never crossed it, and 
the idealists among us could still pretend that while we may be 
veterans, we weren't really soldiers.

"Until now.  This time it's just us -- /Us/ against /Them/ -- and we've 
only been on the defensive because we couldn't do anything else.  But we 
just charged headlong into war.  We knew where the enemy was and we went 
after them.  We tossed aside the principals of peaceful exploration, of 
security and defense, and engaged an enemy fleet with the intent to kill 
them.  And we /did/ kill them.  As many as we could."  He swallowed and 
looked up, sighed heavily.

When he looked back down again he showed all the fatigue that had been 
mounting.  Stress and worry lines on his face and a peppering of gray at 
his temples made him old before his time.  He was only thirty, but seven 
years in Starfleet had taken it's pound of flesh.  The lines and gray 
and fatigue usually didn't show; his presence and good nature masked 
such things in plain sight.  But sitting alone and quiet in the dark 
belied any demeanor he presented to others.  It was just tired old 
Thomas Garroway trying to figure out where he went wrong.

After a long pause he sighed again before he spoke.  "I once heard that 
the Chinese on Earth say, 'May you live in interesting times.'  It's 
meant as a curse.  I honeslty don't mind interesting times, but I just 
wish /these/ times didn't involve so much bloodshed.  Perhaps I'm just 
one of the many people who were born in the wrong century.  I think I 
would have liked it in the nineteen sixty's, with humanity racing each 
other for the stars.  Everyone rising to whatever challenge was in front 
of them, and knowing full well the risks they were taking, not just 
trying to catch a glimpse of the unknown but to grab it and take it. 
Yeah.  I would have liked that."  He looked around the room -- the 
captain's cabin of the ESS Endeavor-A, a Freedom-class heavy cruiser and 
battle-tested warship.  "Instead I live when we've already put ourselves 
here, and brought all our violence and war with us.  Historians and 
professors on Earth like to argue that races like Andorians and Klingons 
can't maintain a warrior culture without killing themselves off, but 
those learned men keep forgetting to look in their own backyards."

Another long pause as he marshaled his reserves and resolve, 
straightening his posture and bringing his eyes up.  "When we get back 
to Earth," he said with tired but persistent strength, "the President 
wants to have a conference.  The role of Starfleet is to be the primary 
topic, and I already know how it's going to end.  It's an ending I'll 
agree with, but won't like.  It'll be the end of the Starfleet I know 
and love, and the beginning of something else.  I like to think that 
we'll be able to keep some sense of what came before to help guide this 
/new/ Starfleet and make it something we can be proud of.  I sometimes 
wonder if I've already served my purpose in this life, but then I look 
ahead at how much work there's still left to do.  Maybe one day I'll 
just be some obsolete relic of bygone days, but until then I've got 
miles to go before I sleep."

He sighed, "'And miles to go before I sleep.'

"Computer.  End recording."


-----
RAdm Garroway, Thomas R.
Starfleet Commander
(The First Era)